The Fairytale Life of Sparkles and Prince Hazbeen
Once upon a time a very attractive young woman called Sparkles sailed across the sea to the island of Engleland from Trailerville in the USA. In a previous life she had been a bit of an actress but she had set her sights on marrying into the island’s royal family. She made her way to KhanTown, the capital. Whilst standing outside the offices of Hargill & Cubble, just around the corner from Lie Detector Test UK, she met Prince Hazbeen. He was out for a bevy with his mates and a little worse for wear. Sparkles was invited to join them and they all had a merry old time.
Invitation to the palace
At the end of the evening, Prince Hazbeen felt the few brains he had slipping below his belt and invited Sparkles back to the Palace. His grandparents, Queen Beth and King Eddie were sitting on their thrones of judgement when they arrived. Incapable of uttering a word due to intoxication, Sparkles said they’d been partying and that she’d agreed to spend the night with “Haz”. Speaking for “Haz” would later become a feature in their lives. Before Queen Beth could object, Sparkles was skipping up the wide staircase dragging “Haz” behind her.
The following morning Queen Beth was not best pleased at the sight of Sparkles painting her fingernails at the breakfast table. With a sharp retort from Sparkles that she’d paint her fingernails wherever she “damned well pleased” Harry intervened. He explained that it was customary in Trailerville to do this. Queen Beth said that if Sparkles was to be invited to her home again, she’d better “damned well change it”. Munching through a full English, Sparkles said she doubted that she’d be invited back again since it was obvious she was the “wrong colour”.
“Whatever do you mean, dear?” King Eddie piped up.
“I’ll ignore the patronising misogyny” said Sparkles “but I know you royals don’t like black people”.
“Good lord, we had no idea you were black” said Queen Beth, “but you are very wrong. We’ve learned recently that Ann Boleyn was black. We’ve got a lot of portraits hanging around the place portraying her as a very sickly white so we were rather pleased to hear that she was black.”
On a promise that Prince Hazbeen would drive her home, he and Sparkles said they were off. After they left King Eddie commented that he thought Sparkles was a little “la la”.
“Her skin is so pale, why does she think she is black and what’s misogyny?” he asked his wife.
Fast forward several months, and a Royal Wedding was in the planning. Loyal subjects everywhere celebrated the happiness of their favourite Prince. There was much quaffing of wine and dancing in the street.
Confusion set in when pamphlets were received saying that soon to be Princess Sparkles was set to be the first black Royal. Hadn’t they recently been told that the Royal Family was full of black people throughout history? Not only that, she looked as white as they were. This was cleared up some time later when they learned her father was white and her mother, black. But they didn’t care what colour her skin was, she would make Prince Hazbeen happy. It didn’t matter how many gazillions the wedding was going to cost, taxpayers everywhere rejoiced.
Tiaras and wedding guests
There were a few blips in the wedding plan. Allegedly Sparkles was a bit miffed that Queen Beth would choose the tiara she wore. She wanted to wear the most expensive one in the Queen’s collection, valued at around £10 million. It was encrusted with emeralds. But she ended up wearing the The Queen Mary Bandeau tiara worth around £2 million. This was because the emerald tiara had a dubious Russian history which Queen Beth didn’t feel was appropriate to be on display at a thoroughly Englese wedding.
Then there was the issue of who was to be invited to the wedding. Sparkles had fallen out with most of her family. Just before the wedding her father, had a heart problem and said he wouldn’t be able to give her away. So the sole family member who could attend was her mother. It was arranged that Prince Hazbeen’s father, the Prince of Largears, would give Sparkles away. Then they rented a crowd of celebrities who hardly knew them, to make up the numbers. Lie Detector Test UK London polygraph examiners offered to double as wedding guests too. We like to refer to KhanTown by its previous name to be more traditional.
The wedding went ahead with all the tradition, pomp and ceremony associated with Engleland. The homeless were cleared from the streets of Wokeness to make way for horse drawn, golden carriages. Sparkles didn’t want the place to look untidy as she turned up at Wokeness Castle for her big day. At least 100,000 people arrived in the town to watch the couple’s fabulous journey. There was so much joy and happiness for them.
You might imagine that this fairy tale would have a happy ending but unfortunately it doesn’t.
Not long after the happy couple wed, rumours began to circulate that Sparkles wasn’t happy. Despite more gazillions being spent on the reformation of Wantmore Cottage in Wokeness, gifted to the couple by Queen Beth, all was not well. Sparkles was miserable. After all, didn’t she deserve a palace? And why was she the Duchess of Wokeness and not a Princess? Her husband in an effort to appease her dropped the Prince and became the Duke of Wokeness, but to no avail.
Her servants were revolting so she had to keep recruiting more. In Trailerville servants did what they were “damned well told” she said to Prince Hazbeen. Gossip began to spread among the Englese and they started to dislike what they saw as the spoiled bratling. Indeed the longer Prince Hazbeen spent with Sparkles the more of a bratling he was becoming.
Pregnancy and birth
But when Sparkles became pregnant, the Englese were jubilant. Was it possible that another black member of the Royal Family would arrive? They hoped so. Indeed the baby might eventually become the first neutral gender King or Queen of Engleland. Who could want for more?
When little Archbabe was born, crowds arrived to get the first glimpse of him. But breaking with centuries of tradition, the Duke and Duchess of Wokeness wanted to keep him all to themselves. “Why should the peasants get what they wanted when she couldn’t?” Sparkles asked her husband.
The gorgeous baby was presented to the public two days after he was born but only briefly. There were very few glimpses of Archbabe after that. “Who did the paparazzi think they were taking snapshots of the baby and making megabucks out of it without giving the parents a cut?” Sparkles asked.
Stepping down as Royals
In the fashion of a previous well known American divorcee, Sparkles decided ‘Haz’ would have to choose between his royal duties and her. Around 10 months after the birth of Archbabe she left for Mapleton, a country on the other side of the world. A little while later they both abdicated their royal roles and the Duke of Wokeness joined his wife. At the time they stated they wanted to lead normal lives away from the public eye.
After giving her version of a course in “unconscious bias” to her husband; Sparkles well and truly put ‘Haz’ in his place. He simply had to be less white and more ‘woke’. It was noticed by many that the once cheerful Prince now had the appearance of the miserable and oppressed.
Even with the heating turned up full blast in their rented mansion, Sparkles complained that Mapleton was far too cold. ‘Haz’ being more accustomed to colder weather felt he was living in tropical heat inside the house. Having had an education from Sparkles about ‘climate change’ he told her she should turn the heating down and wear more jumpers.
“B*gger climate change” she snapped. “We’re moving to California. Order a private jet to take us there.” Sparkles was well known for getting anything she wanted, so ‘Haz’ did as he was told.
The mansion they bought in California practically wiped out all the inheritance money ‘Haz’ derived from his late Mother’s estate. He’d also paid back the reformation costs expended on Wantmore Cottage to his grandmother. The couple soon learned that this independence stuff wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
If they weren’t careful they’d have to go and live in Trailerville. No way was Sparkles going to do that. “Imagine the humiliation”, she ranted. Then she had a brilliant idea. MovieFlix would offer a fortune for royalty to go on video lecturing peasants about climate change and wokeness. And indeed MovieFlix did. They were offered shed loads of dosh. It backfired slightly because these lectures weren’t quite as popular as they first thought.
Their lifestyle in keeping up with the celebrities was costing a fortune. Private jets and security didn’t come cheap. ‘Haz’ tried to tap up his father for a few million but Duke Largears wasn’t having any of it.
Trashing the Royal Family
The couple then scored a spectacular own goal. They gave a ‘Tell All’ interview to one of their wedding guests that they’d only met once. Scandal Windfall couldn’t believe her luck. She’d get to interview the entitled pair for two hours on prime time TV.
Sparkles opened up about the terrible life she’d had since being married to ‘Haz’. Despite the private jets, servants and money, the Royal Family and the peasants in Engleland were racist toward her. Someone had even asked what colour the baby would be and were horrified when he appeared more white than black. They were disappointed that she hadn’t produced a black baby which clearly was very racist. When pressed as to whom it was that had “concerns about the colour” of Archbabe the couple wouldn’t say although it was confirmed that it wasn’t the King or Queen.
When she had been upset, despite her own husband having been treated for mental health issues, she said she had no one to turn to. She hadn’t approached mental health charities which is odd. Her husband, together with his brother, sponsors a mental health charity. The Royal Family also sponsor various mental health organisations. She could have asked for support from her own family but she’d ghosted most of them. Humble pie is not a dish Sparkles enjoys. The Englelese, “racist” media was cruel and unkind to her. Living in a better class of misery than all the peasants with depression just didn’t cut it.
‘Haz’ backed her up in her tale of woe and added some of his. The poor soul felt trapped despite the trappings of wealth. He said his father and brother were also trapped. Considering that one of his ancestors abdicated in 1936 (oddly because of his relationship with an American divorcee), it rather proves the point that anyone can walk away if they want to.
Prince Hazbeen said that his father would no longer take his calls but his relationship with Queen Beth and King Eddie was fine. One wonders whether it will remain so in the light of this Scandal Windfall interview exposing “their truth”.
No matter which way one views this interview no good could ever come of it. So what exactly was its purpose? Two millionaires painting themselves as victims to a billionaire interviewer, in an idyllic setting, is hardly likely to garner mass sympathy. And trashing your family publicly won’t endear you to them; inferring that Englese are all racist much less.
Unfortunately this “Tell All” interview has somewhat backfired on the couple. Denigrating the King and Queen didn’t sit well with the Englelese peasants. “How very dare they?” has been the overall reaction. Sparkles had underestimated the popularity of Queen Beth.
At Lie Detector Test UK we’ve been inundated with calls to give them lie detector tests. Behavioural psychologists worldwide are explaining the couple’s body language. The general consensus of opinion is that they may both need to save up for rhinoplasty as both their noses have grown several inches since the interview aired.
We wonder when they will both wander off into the sunset, and lead the life they crave, “away from the glare of publicity”. One suggestion we have for them to live happily ever after is that they stop courting it.